What Girls Need to Know About Guys; What Guys Need to Know About Girls (Paperback)(edit)
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What Girls Need to Know About Guys: Do guys like girls to initiate texts and phone calls? What kind of compliments do guys like? How can I get a guy to ask me to dance? Find the answers to these questions and much more in this open, honest book written just for young Latter-day Saint women. John and Lani Hilton have talked to thousands of young men and women in order to compile this book of helpful hints, tips, warnings, and great spiritual advice to help you navigate the fun, yet tricky waters of trying to figure out the opposite sex. Flip the book over to see What Guys Need to Know about Girls.
What Guys Need to Know About Girls: Do girls really want guys to open doors for them? (Hint: Yes!) Should guys tease girls about their looks? (Hint: NO!) How do guys know what girls really want? Find the answers to these questions and much more in this open, honest book written just for young Latter-day Saint men. John and Lani Hilton have talked to thousands of young men and women in order to compile this book of helpful hints, tips, warnings, and great spiritual advice to help you navigate the fun, yet tricky waters of trying to figure out the opposite sex. Flip the book over to see What Girls Need to Know about Guys.
- Size: 6x8
- Pages: 144
- Published: 06/2011
About the Authors
John Hilton III was born in San Francisco and grew up in Seattle. He served a mission in Denver, and got a Bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University. Along the way he met his wife Lani and they have five children. They have lived in Boise, Boston, Mexico and Miami. Currently, they live in Utah. John has a Masters degree from Harvard and a Ph.D from BYU, both in Education, and currently is an Assistant Professor of Ancient Scripture at BYU. He has also written several books with Deseret Book. Besides being with his family, his favorite hobbies are learning Chinese and doing humanitarian work. For more information visit www.johnhiltoniii.com
Expect (and Accept) the Respect
Okay, ladies, I am going to share with you some experiences from my life. Get ready for some juicy details. Picture John and me on our first date. As we walked from my house to the car, he opened the door for me, of course. That is the easiest part because the guy is usually walking with the girl to the car, and it takes only a little foresight to have his hand reach the door handle before hers. We had a pleasant conversation during the car ride.
When we arrived at his apartment, he got out of the car, and it looked like he was coming around to open my door, so I sat and waited. But then someone from an upper floor of his apartment building yelled to him, and the two of them started talking. So there I sat, unsure of what to do, while John was talking. I did not know the person he was talking to, and I hardly knew John. Was he the kind of guy who would open my door or not?
I decided to wait. Well, it was a very long ten seconds, but John did finish talking and kindly opened my door. That’s the first lesson from this story—expect the respect. Plan on the guy doing the chivalrous thing. I later found out that John was the kind of guy who always opened the door for a lady. I was grateful that I had expected John to demonstrate respect for me by opening the door, and he did it all throughout our courtship, and even after we were married. It added something beautiful to our relationship. Remember this phrase—“Expect the Respect.”
After we had been married about a year and a half, things were very busy with a new little baby. I often was eager to get the baby out of the car seat at the end of a car ride, or I had something I needed to do quickly. Waiting for John to open my door before or after getting into the car seemed more of a hassle and sometimes even inconvenient. I even thought about how many seconds of my life I was wasting sitting in the car waiting. Ten seconds a day times seven days a week equals more than a minute each week, so in a year I would waste an hour of my life . . . plus my baby was waiting, which doubled the problem, of course. Sounds like silly thinking, but I ended up telling John that I knew he loved me and respected me but he did not need to open the car door for me anymore.
He simply said, “Okay,” and that was the end of it.
But it did not take long before I started to feel a difference. So I said, “John, I would really like it if you would start opening my door again.”
And he did.
Now here is the second lesson from this story: Accept the respect. A few years later (after many doors had been opened for me), we were living in Miami, Florida. When we pulled into the driveway after a family activity visiting the Everglades, John turned off the car and opened his door so that he could come and get mine. Immediately our son, Levi (who was four at the time), yelled excitedly, “Wait, Dad! I want to get Mom’s door.”
Quick as a flash, he unbuckled his seatbelt in the back of the minivan and proceeded to climb over his sisters in the next row. Then he climbed onto my lap and opened my door from the inside of the car while sitting on my lap in the passenger seat. My heart melted! I gave him a big kiss! I saw that by accepting John’s respect, we were teaching our son a valuable lesson about honoring women. I was grateful I had chosen to accept the respect that had been offered to me over the years.
When you really know you are a daughter of God and you really feel it, it affects how you act. True doctrine changes behavior. It will not only affect how you fix yourself up, how you dress, how you interact with others, but it will affect how you expect to be treated by others. Think of a princess in ancient times. If she were taken out of her castle, she would still expect to be treated like a princess. There were certain things she would not put up with. This is one reason we really need to internalize the principles from the first chapters because if we REALLY feel we are God’s supreme creation, we will expect to be treated respectfully.
I love these principles that Lani teaches—expect the respect and accept the respect. Let’s discuss them a little more.
Expect the Respect
Suppose you are walking into a building with a young man. You are about one step closer to the door than he is. Should you open the door or wait for him to do it? It can be an awkward situation—you don’t want him to think that you don’t know how to open a door!
Don’t worry about that—simply expect the respect. Most guys want to have opportunities to honor women. If he thinks you’re a dork because you expect guys to show common courtesy, he’s probably not a guy you want to get attached to anyway.
How do you go about expecting the respect? It’s easy—just expect the guy to do the appropriate thing. When you come to a door, let him open it. Wait for him to come around and open your car door. If you’re at a restaurant and he pulls out a chair, assume that he is pulling it out for you and not for himself. (Be sure to smile and sincerely say “thank you!” as you sit down. Even if he didn’t intend to pull out the chair for you, he’ll be glad to get credit for it—and he’ll remember the next time.)
What If He Doesn’t Open the Door?
Justin, an eighteen-year-old young man, was getting ready to go to a stake dance when he received a phone call from a woman in his ward. She was wondering if he could pick up her fourteen-year-old daughter and take her to the dance. He agreed and picked her up.
They arrived at the church building, and Justin began walking toward the church. He was all the way to the front door of the stake center when he realized that the young woman wasn’t with him. He walked back to the car and, sure enough, there she was, waiting for him to open the door. Now that’s what we call expecting the respect!
Once when I told that story, a lady came up to me and said that when she was in high school a guy had asked her to go to a movie with him. When they arrived at the theater, the young man went into the theater, bought tickets, bought popcorn, and sat down in the movie, all before he realized that she was still in the car waiting for him to open the door. Ouch. We think that was their last date.
You don’t have to go to the extreme of waiting forever. If a young man is not giving you the respect you deserve, be as gracious as you can be. Some guys aren’t used to doing these simple courtesies for women. They may not have been taught this principle in their home. If you want to bless him for the rest of his life, kindly say something like, “I really like it when guys open doors for me,” or even more specifically, “I would really like it if you opened the door for me.” And even if he doesn’t listen to you, don’t let that stop you from continuing to expect the respect in the future! Guys are simpler than we think. Often they just need to be taught or clearly told, and then they are happy to comply!
Here’s a tip: When a guy does something courteous for you, be extra gracious and let him know you appreciate it. Encourage him. And, when appropriate, wait for him. If you’re driving together and he has gotten out of the car, and you’re wondering if he’s going to get your door, don’t be afraid to count to ten slowly and silently before even thinking about opening your door. Fiddle around with your purse, pretend you lost something under the seat, do anything to stall for time . . . guys will eventually figure it out.
Part of expecting to be respected is clearly communicating to the guy what it is you want. Our friend Chrislyn was in her twenties and was dating a returned missionary named Ryan. They were on their second date, and she could tell that he was going to kiss her. She thought about her feelings and what she really wanted and said, “Let’s wait. I don’t want to wreck a good thing.” Later Chrislyn said, “He was really respectful of that, and I felt good that we hadn’t kissed. I needed him to show me that I could trust him before I started sharing that part of myself with him. That was one of the best decisions we ever made for our relationship.” Chrislyn and Ryan eventually married in the temple; Chrislyn said that their relationship was wonderful from the beginning because she had the courage to expect Ryan to respect her wishes (and kudos to Ryan for respecting them!).
But what if a guy still doesn’t respect you, even if you make it clear you want to be respected? It’s simple—stay away from that guy! Sadly, some young women feel that they don’t deserve to be respected. We talked once with a girl we’ll call Liz. She was struggling with depression and, due to some tough family circumstances, wasn’t feeling much love from her parents. She wrote, “I have had the same boyfriend for almost ten months. . . . He is really fun to hang out with because he has a fun personality. But within the first few months of our relationship something didn’t feel quite right. He didn’t respect me as much as he should. He says rude things to me about the way I look, and he will never go to the movie of my choice. I think the reason we are still together is because I don’t want to be alone with all the hard things going on in my life right now.” Her boyfriend also made fun of her for going to youth conference. He told her that if he got drunk and cheated on her while she was gone, it was her fault for leaving for youth conference.
A turning point for Liz came when she understood this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He said, “In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care, you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.”2
Respect yourself. . . . Never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup.1
—President Gordon B. Hinckley
Liz realized that she did not deserve to be treated so poorly. She determined that she would walk away from her boyfriend because he was not giving her the respect that she deserved. Listen, girls—if you are in an abusive relationship, get out and get help! You deserve to be honored and respected. And if you have a friend in an abusive relationship, help your friend get out and get help!
Accept the Respect
Lani already talked about one reason why you should accept the respect—it creates habits that may even bless your children.
But accepting the respect will also immediately bless the young men who are honoring you! When a young man shows simple courtesies to a young woman, he will feel good inside because he is doing something good. He will feel the Spirit. Even if you really would rather open your own door, let the boy do it. You will be helping him feel the Spirit of the Lord.
The duties of a teacher in the Aaronic Priesthood are outlined in the Doctrine and Covenants. Part of these duties is to watch over and strengthen the Church (see D&C 20:53). Brother David L. Beck, the Young Men general president, once said that this definitely includes watching over the young women.3 So, by accepting the respect they give, you are helping them honor and fulfill their priesthood duties. That is an important reason to do it!
Another reason you should accept respect from young men (even if it is awkwardly given) is that it will encourage young men to respect other young women.
I spoke once with a young man who had tried to open the door for a young woman. She had rudely said, “I can open my own door.” He now is afraid to try to open the door for other women. Because one young woman did not accept the respect, she made it less likely that other young women will receive the respect they deserve.
On another occasion, I noticed a mother with two teenage children walking into a store. The mother and daughter were a few steps ahead of the son, but they waited for the son to catch up and open the door for them. Now this was one of those double doors, where you walk in one door, and then five feet later there is another door. Sometimes those can be tricky—should you open the second door to reciprocate?
Nope! The mother and sister waited again for the son to open the second door. Their willingness to go a bit slower and accept the respect he offered them was providing valuable training for this young man. When you expect and accept the respect you deserve, you are helping to shape the young men around you into the kind of men they need to be—men who honor and reverence womanhood.
Another part of accepting the respect is to graciously accept compliments when they are given to you. How do you think a young man would feel in the following conversation?
Young man: “You look pretty tonight.”
Young woman: “No, I don’t.”
Young man: “No, really, you do.”
Young woman: “No, I’m ugly.”
Young man: “Uh . . .”
You can see that this puts him in an awkward situation. When somebody compliments you, simply say, “Thank you.”
When a young man offers you respect, accept it! It may be inconvenient or a little awkward, but do it anyway! If there aren’t enough chairs at the table or in the room and he offers you his chair, accept it! Help strengthen that young man in his ability to honor women.
We once had a really special experience when we were asked to pick up a General Authority from the airport and take him to a young single adult fireside. The spirit that was present in the car and when he spoke was undeniable. I knew he was a servant of God. The whole time he made me feel so honored to be a woman. We were in a small car, and it seemed very appropriate for him to have the leg room of the front seat. When I offered him the front seat, he refused and gave it to me. He said, “I would never separate a man from his wife.” As we traveled, he was so gracious and kind and poured on the compliments.
We had known that we would spend time with him, so we had prepared some questions to ask him. I was so focused on the questions we wanted to ask and in getting his wisdom that I completely forgot to give him the dinner that we had brought with us (it was in the trunk of my car). When we arrived at the stake center, I realized what I had done. . . . I couldn’t believe it! My one chance to feed a member of the Quorum of the Twelve dinner and I had blown it! I jumped out of the car and began rummaging through the trunk trying to find his dinner. Meanwhile, the General Authority got out of the car and opened the door for Lani!
Even though we had arrived later than planned, he didn’t rush ahead of me as we walked to the chapel. He just talked with me personally and always waited for me to go through the door first. When I was with him, I felt like I was in the presence of somebody who truly honored womanhood.
Girls, a real man will honor you. Expect the respect you deserve as a daughter of a Heavenly King. Graciously and gratefully accept the respect that is offered.
“And charity . . . is kind.”
• Expect the respect!
• Accept the respect!
Be Ye Doers of the Word
• Think about what it means for you to expect the respect.
• What situation will you find yourself in today where you could apply this?
by Dena - reviewed on June 08, 2011
In reading the book you feel like you are at a fireside listening to both John and Lani speak. Their approach is creative. It is geared more towards teens and young adults, but the information is beneficial for everyone.
by Kelsey - reviewed on May 28, 2011
I loved this book. I read both parts and both were right on.
by Alex - reviewed on June 02, 2011
I LOVED this book! Both parts were so accurate and helpful for today's teens! This book is perfect!
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