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1.How did the idea for Forgiving Ourselves begin?

I have been concerned for years with how difficult it is for many of us to forgive ourselves. Nothing in my experience with God suggests that God holds grudges or wants us to live with unremitting self-recrimination. Ironically, it is often the best people who have the hardest time with self-forgiveness. I began to realize that sometimes our doctrinal understanding is faulty, getting in the way of self-forgiveness. I also noticed that people with certain personalities or background will get stuck in the process of self-forgiveness in particular ways. I wanted to address both the spiritual basis for self-forgiveness and the psychological barriers we often mistake for spiritual failure.

2. What made you decide to write this book?

First of all, I realized that virtually no one in or out of the church was writing about self-forgiveness despite the large number of people who struggle with it. When I started writing there was not a single book addressing this issue. There are books that tell us to repent and how, books that tell us to trust the Lord’s love and why, even books on how to forgive others, but very little in print about how to really forgive ourselves and move on after we have repented.

The miracle of forgiveness is only a miracle for us personally if we can not only repent and gain God’s forgiveness but also find true joy in our personal redemption. In addition to my perspectives as a Latter-day Saint, I felt that my background as a Latter-day Saint psychologist might help me address both the spiritual and psychological barriers that impede self-forgiveness.

3. In order to better understand your background in writing this book, can you tell us about your professional life?

I was a psychologist in private practice in Michigan for many years. I closed my practice when my husband was called as a mission president. As I worked closely with missionaries I realized many of them struggled with self-forgiveness despite their great love of God and their high moral character. After our mission we moved to Utah, where I founded Sixteen Stones Center for Growth, a small group of LDS mental health professionals offering seminar-retreats on topics like forgiveness, loss, spirituality, and abundant living.

4. How long did it take you to write Forgiving Ourselves?

Oh, twenty or thirty years if you include the time it took to develop these ideas and live them. It is hard to estimate how much time it took to write it because there are gaps in the writing. I guess about a year.

5. Are there parts of the story that stand out to you most?

The heartache of seeing individuals who are good, good people not recognize how truly good they are, how much God loves them, how normal their situations are and how near the Spirit is.

6. Was there a part that was most difficult to write?

I think the hardest part was getting near the end of the book. I’d written everything I knew personally about the process of self-forgiveness, but I realized I was still struggling with it myself. I had to face that even after all we can do to make things right and trust God’s love we may still feel regret and shame about our sins and mistakes.

I came to realize, however, that our shame is not a reliable indicator of our actual spiritual status. Shame or regret does not necessarily mean we have not thoroughly repented or cannot yet fulfill our potential. Once we have repented, ongoing shame about the past is more like a temptation to be dealt with like any other temptation – which generally means we should ignore it, distract ourselves from it, talk back to it with higher truth, and pray for strength to trust in God’s love instead. Temptation is something to resist, not something that tells us the truth about who we are, and lingering shame over sins we’ve repented of or weaknesses we are working on is a temptation, not a sign of our unworthiness.

7. Was there a part that was easiest?

I loved feeling God’s love for us, His infinite patience with us, and the wondrous rightness of His perfect plan for His imperfect children.

8. What specific audience did you have in mind?

Good LDS people who struggle to like, accept, or forgive themselves (three separate things!).

9. Is another book on the way?

Yes, with a working title of Weakness is Not Sin: The Liberating Distinction that Awakens Our Strengths. It should be out this fall. I am also working with my friend and colleague Chris Packard on a book for LDS young single adults and those who love them. Look for it next year.

10. What did you learn while writing this book?

That normal, imperfect people really, truly can be free of sin, even though we will always have weaknesses. That turns out to be a startling and amazing idea for a lot of us when we really “get” it.

11. Do you have anything else you would like to say to an audience that is currently or recently finished reading your book?

A question I often get from readers is, “How can I tell the difference between a sin and a weakness when they seem to overlap?” There is not a simple answer to this question, but it is definitely one we should ponder, pray about, and work to sort out. Like all mortal lessons, we learn this one by experience. Sometimes we will make mistakes in this very important matter, but this difficulty is itself a weakness inherent in the human condition. God knows our limits, and He is not shocked or disappointed to learn that we have them. He will lead us carefully along if we are sincere and keep trying.