Posted: 2 Nov 2009 09:22 AM
Subject: Steady dating....
I have an issue that has been bugging me for awhile. I live in a small SE Idaho community where most of the population is LDS. My concern at this time is that there are kids in this community that are steady dating and doing things they are not supposed to be. The Stake President is very concerned and has counseled the Priesthood leaders to talk in their Quorums about this issue and sexual purity. But, there are families here that push their kids to date and have boyfriends/girlfriends. What a mixed signal our kids are receiving. At the high school, you are not cool or popular unless you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess I shouldn't worry to much about it right now because my son doesn't date much. But, my daughter just turned 14 and has girlfriends who are chasing boys like crazy. What are your thoughts? What are you sisters finding in your neck of the woods?
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 11:16 AM
Subject: Steady dating....
Ok all my views on this. I was not boy crazy at that age. Frankly
I had better interest that focused on building skills I'd need in the future. I can see many things wrong with jumping the gun in this area. Boys and girls view romance differently at this period in life. This is where much of the trouble begins. Once this process begins ending it is difficult to do. When parents start pushing children into dating and relationships at an early stage in life I would be asking "Why" If you have to have a "friend" to be cool it doesn't say much for values. If the standard is at "cool" for friends what will it change to in a year or two? Is the pushing of dating young a part of the SE Idaho mentality? Being aware is a good thing. I seriously doubt that much will haange. Small towns are notorious for that. Gail
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 01:02 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
Honestly, it doesn't sound at all different from when I was in high school (1980-1984) in Utah. From what I've seen with several of my nieces and nephews it continues to this day. Sadly it seems to be strongest in the LDS families I know. It is less of a focus in WA state, where I currently live.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 01:49 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
This is a hard one. Personally I think the stake president should have a fireside about dating and include 14 and up. The church has done a video a few years back about this very thing. At home I stress having fun with friends of both sexes and that steady dating at such a young age isn't a good idea. I always say the best thing that you can do for your future spouse right now is to develop positive qualities that will strengthen your marriage. There is plenty of time for serious dating when you are ready. I also think that a fireside for the parents of these kids would be appropriate too. It is so hard to watch parents encourage this kind of thing when all they are doing is putting their child in a harmful situation. Where I live there is some pressure to date even among non-LDS but most kids know it isn't the end if they don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 02:18 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I'm a YW leader in the ward and we have a girl who just turned 16 dating a 20 year old. I can't even imagine allowing that--and the relationship is encouraged. Sadly it happens way too much. Or if a girl is in her early 20s and not married--something must be wrong. No--most certainly not. Yeah--there is a reason there is now Virtue added to the YW values.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 02:51 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I have most of John Bytheway's CD's and there are a couple that address this subject. I love his talks and they are totally appropriate for youth. We listen to one each week for family home evening. I would recommend talking to the bishop about your concerns. You can't be the only one that cares! We do a standard's night in our ward a couple of times a year with all the parents. If they are dating seriously, than it will be too easy for the young men not to go on missions and the young women not to be able to go to the temple. I read that satan is trying to get to our kids through virtue. He can destroy the family the fastest by going after that one principle. One of my daughters are currently 13, I have raised several. No serious dating allowed until after high school. By that I mean no exclusive dating and no single dating. They have to double or triple date. They have more fun and get into less trouble. Absolutely no dating allowed before you are 16 (that is from the prophet). Ask my two kids who were invited to proms before their 16th birthdays. My son turned 16 the day after prom and my daughter turned 16 the week after. Neither one of them were allowed to attend that prom or date. They kid about it now, but both have temple marriages so I don't think it hurt them any. If we want our children to have standards, we have to have them ourselves and support the general authorities and listen to what they say, and be willing to follow their direction even though it is hard and will make us a little unpopular with our teenagers. :-) I am the parent. This is a fight that is so worth the efforts.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 03:54 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
My neice came up with a great way to handle the peer pressure to have a boy friend at a young age. (she said) She started getting pressure when she was 14 or so. One of the cousins had another cousin from the other side of the family( confused yet?) and she told everyone that he was her boyfriend to get them off her back. He lived in another state so she never had to really prove that he was her boyfriend. She had a picture they could see and that seemed to satisfy them. She turns 16 this year and has spent the last several years working on herself and becomng a great young lady. I think it is pretty creative way to get around it.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 04:45 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I think this is a very sad situation indeed. And, Ruud, you are right to be concerned. It can be frustrating as a parent of a teen who is trying to teach church standards when those around you in the church do not seem to be living it. Just keep teaching your kids what is right and point them to church doctrine and For the Strength of Youth and pray, pray, pray!
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 05:20 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I think that it is pretty much the same no matter where you live. It is a very difficult situation...when my kids tried to date different people, they were called every name in the book and gained a reputation that they didn't deserve. One daughter met her husband when she was just 14, and they tried dating others and always ended up back together (No, they didn't go on any dates before she was 16...just saw each other at church dances and activities, etc., but did start dating when she was of age. He served an honorable mission and they married in the temple when he returned.) My youngest daughter is 16 and has no interest in dating yet...was invited to homecoming by several people but chose not to go at all. There are no easy, blanket answers. We just need to pray always and love them. Our youth are awesome!
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 06:17 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I had a friend several years ago who came from a small, predominantly LDS, town in Utah. She told me that dating/pairing off was common in that town. The kids were also involved in inappropriate behavior that happened, for the most part, at one of the kid's homes. Most of the kids were between 14 and 16. My friend's step daughter, age 15 1/2 at the time, got pregnant. The kids would have video nights on a regular basis. Couples would be under blankets at this gatherings doing whatever.. Even with the knowledge that these kids had about purity, etc., my friend strongly felt that part of the problem was that in her small town there weren't enough alternative activities for kids in that age group and that these in home gatherings weren't appropriately supervised. Her step daughter didn't live with her full time, so it was difficult for my friend to monitor what was going on. I guess what I'm saying, is that beyond special counsel to leaders and youth, the parents need to get involved by providing appropriate activities, and chaperoning!! Even if the kids are pairing off and steady dating, the parents can still have a strong influence on what happens. But it sounds like you have some parents who think that dating and pairing off is OK. Your stake president may need to have a very direct conversation with the parents.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 07:36 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
Thank you sisters!!!! I truly appreciated all your comments. You have some very wise insights to the situation. Our Stake President is holding a parents fireside this month. It was supposed to be one of the quarterly youth firesides, but it was changed for the parents. I have a feeling that he is going to address this issue. I just hope the parents that need to hear the message will be there. Thanks for all your ccunsel and advice. I will keep you updated.
Posted: 2 Nov 2009 07:40 PM
Subject: Steady dating....
I agree parents need to get more involved. The Stake President can only do so much. When we have children father - child interviews are going to be a regular occurrence in our home. Edited to say: When you're out misbehaving how likely is it going to be that your Stake President/Bishop is going to pop into your head? It's more likely you'll remember something a parent has said. The connection there runs deeper.
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Steady dating....
