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by Angela Haddock

I have sweet assurance because I know the atonement of Jesus Christ is real.

There have been several experiences recently that have assured me of the personal love of the Savior and effect of His Atonement, but August 10th 2008, will always have a place in my heart and soul. That is the day my life changed forever. It is the date in which part of me still resides. That is the day we lost our beautiful, magnetic, vivacious 23 month old, Evan to a drowning accident.

The feelings of grief and turmoil we have felt since that day have been intense and are indescribable unless one has experienced them. I always knew becoming a mother would be my greatest joy, but never realized the infinite amount of love I feel could translate to the most incredible pain. The pain, the emptiness, and the hole in my heart…how could I mend them?

I first had to relearn to breathe. By far, that basic, unnoticed physiological skill was the most difficult step to take because the last thing I wanted to do was to breathe. I still have to remind myself to breathe when the waves of grief take me down to the depths of the ocean of tears. The waves of grief are incredibly enormous and holding onto my life preserver is the only thing that keeps me from completely drowning. This life preserver is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

My Savior, and I call Him mine, because through this heart wrenching experience, I have come to truly know Him and His love for me. I have always felt my Savior’s love throughout my life. He has been a part of me for as long as I remember. I have felt His hand guide me as I have made choices and decisions in my life. I have always felt my life was blessed because of keeping the commandments and staying on the straight and narrow path. I taught about living a righteous life and about the atonement of Jesus Christ when I was a missionary and the blessings that come from it. But, until I went through this sorrow of losing our precious son, I never understood the magnitude of the atonement.

Our Savior, suffered for us, for me. He understands my grief, my pain. He understands because He experienced it vicariously for me. I have felt Him fill my heart with love and healing. He has lifted me when I could not stand, strengthened me when I felt so weak I could not go on, and pulled me out of the depths of the ocean of grief so I can live. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, I have felt mended. He is the only one who can mend me. Even when my threads become loose, He always has time to sew me up again. I have learned that I can come to Him over and over and He never tires of hearing my soul’s complaints. He has promised me the sweet assurance that I will see my precious Evan again. That assurance is what gives me the strength to endure until I meet Evan’s warm embrace.