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By Charisse Thomas 

I have sweet assurance because I know that my Father in Heaven is not only my Father, but my friend. When I was first married, I had my life all planned out. My husband and I would finish school, he would get a fabulous job, and we would then have three or four kids and live happily ever after. However, less than a year after we were married we found out that I was pregnant (yes that 1% of us pregnant-on-the-pillers really exist!) Although surprised, we were excited and shuffled our plans. The pregnancy came with complications, health issues, and bed rest, but most importantly resulted in a healthy baby boy. However, six months later my doctor found some irregularities on some tests and told us that if we wanted to have more children we should go ahead. Coming from a family of eleven, with siblings that all got pregnant by holding hands, it was tough news to take but we both knew that we wanted more children, so we took on the challenge.

Over the next five years we tried everything. Our prayers were full of hope and desire, and I received priesthood blessings of confidence and comfort through the long years of needles, tests, drugs, surgeries, ultrasounds, blood-work, and peeing on more sticks than anyone can imagine! I tried to have a good attitude about it, but failed attempt after failed attempt, my patience grew thin and so did my prayers. One day we went into the doctor’s office and were told that medically there was nothing left to do. I felt a dagger hit my stomach and my heart at the same time. To be an LDS woman and not be able to have children is more than difficult, it is numbing. As women, we have been told that the most important thing we can ever do is to have children and be mothers. I felt as though I was letting down my family and the “image” of what a woman is supposed to be. It crept into every part of my life. I didn't want to go to church and see all the new babies and bulging bellies, I didn't want to hear the questions about when we were planning to expand our family, I didn't want to listen to the all the council about “multiplying and replenishing the earth.” I still attended meetings, but it felt empty. The angrier I became, the less I turned to my Heavenly Father, which made me feel worse. It is a ridiculously hard cycle to break alone, but luckily I didn't have to.

One day, I was playing Lego's with my son and he turned to me and said “Mommy, we have the best family ever!” That was all he said, but it was what I needed. I started thinking of how blessed I was to have an amazing, healthy little man that loved me unconditionally, and a husband who felt the same. I thought of the scripture that says “whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.”(Alma 36:3) I had been supported and watched over by my Father in Heaven, I just hadn't paid attention because it wasn't the help I thought I needed. He knew I would have this considerable trial to work through and he gave me an exceptionally special spirit to help me through it. He also sent family and friends to share love and support and tears and tissues through it all. He gave me the power of prayer to speak to him when it got too hard as well as the wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost.

I have a testimony of our Father in Heaven and the role he plays in our lives. He is not a passive spectator to what is happening, but an active participant in all things. He knows me and my life better than I do. Although I can't say I will never let this struggle bring me down, I can say that I will not let them overcome me again. I am a stronger and better woman now, and with my Father in Heaven, I now know that I can overcome whatever lies ahead of me today, tomorrow, or any day that is to come.